Are you a toxic gamer? Learn the toxic behaviors to avoid as a gamer and how to get help if you’re struggling with any of them.
Gaming is an amazing emotional outlet, but games sometimes bring out emotions we didn’t know were there. If you find that playing games makes you angry or causes you to say harsh and hurtful things to other players, you might be experiencing what we sometimes call gamer rage.
Dealing with gamer rage can be tough, but it’s worth it to avoid spreading negativity and hurting your fellow gamers. In addition, how you respond to your gamer rage long-term can have a big impact on your presence online. Now’s the time to address the root causes of gamer rage before they make you a toxic gamer.
If you’re not sure whether you’re dealing with gamer rage — or are possibly a toxic gamer — we’re here to help. Keep reading to learn about the traits that can make you a toxic gamer and how to address them with help and support.
What is a Toxic Gamer?
A toxic gamer is a player who brings down other gamers with negativity and hurtful or insensitive behavior. Sadly, you’ve probably encountered one of these players while enjoying one of your favorite online games.
You can usually hear them ranting over voice chat or see their hurtful messages popping up on the side of the screen as you play. It’s not fun dealing with these people, and sometimes, the best way to get by is to try your best to ignore them.
While it’s much easier to notice when others behave this way online, it’s much harder to spot toxic gamer behavior in ourselves. If you’ve ever gotten angry at another player and said something hurtful to them, that’s classic toxic gamer behavior.
Remember that acting in this way can seriously hurt people, but also remember that no one is perfect, and outbursts happen from time to time. It’s important to take your online conduct seriously while practicing self-compassion in times when you’re not as kind as you would like to be.
What Gaming Behaviors are Toxic?
Let’s get a bit more specific. Certain in-game actions can be especially hurtful and disturbing to other players, and these are the behaviors that we think of as toxic. If you’re currently engaging in any of the online behaviors listed below, it’s time for a change.
Flaming
Flaming is sometimes called roasting or trolling, and it’s something we’ve all experienced online. A flamer uses offensive language and insults other players with constant name-calling. Flamers often use racial slurs, bully others for their sexual identity or orientation, and make baseless statements about players that annoy them.
Flamers are also often sore losers; their bad behavior typically comes out when they’re not playing well. If you beat a flamer in an online match, they’re likely to come at you with a slew of insults, followed by a possible rage quit.
If this sounds like you, take some time to reflect on why you’re compelled to act this way online.
Here are some ideas to reflect on:
- Games are a place for us to feel an amount of power and control we may not enjoy elsewhere. Losing tends to frustrate that purpose of gaming and flaming is an attempt to regain feelings of dominance and control.
- What about the rage? Anger is usually a “secondary emotion.” A secondary emotion is a reaction to an earlier emotion. For example, you may feel shame at your sadness or after crying. Sometimes we focus on the secondary emotion because it feels more acceptable to us than the original emotion. The move from fear (at losing and appearing weak or stupid) to anger is especially common to all of us, and not just when gaming.
- Accept that toxic gaming behavior is enjoyable. Until we can see that we enjoy this kind of behavior (when we’re doing it that is), it will be difficult to understand it or change it. Part of that enjoyment is the relief we feel at covering our fear with anger. Another part may be the return of feelings of dominance and control.
Botting
One of the most hurtful tactics used by toxic gamers is botting, which involves spamming another player’s chat with offensive automated messages. This behavior can ruin someone’s gaming experience, and if you’re behind it, it can easily get you banned from a server.
Botting is never worth it, even if you feel extremely angry at another player. It can wreck your online reputation, cut you off from the in-game community, and put you at risk of retaliation from another player. If you’re tempted to use this tactic against someone online, step away from your computer, take a break, and come back when you’re ready to start fresh.
Hate Speech
Hate speech is different from flaming in one specific way: it often slips into casual conversation online. Gamers who use hate speech don’t always mean to offend (unlike flamers), they may genuinely believe there are inherent differences between certain groups of people.
Sometimes, ignorance or a lack of empathy is behind the use of hateful and offensive language. However, a toxic gamer typically doesn’t respond well to being accused of using hate speech. Rather than humbly apologizing and changing their language, a toxic gamer might respond by doubling down on their use of hate speech.
If you think you might be using hate speech in your online conversations, take the time to educate yourself on what certain terms mean and how their use can affect others. Make sure to never use racially insensitive terms or words that belittle people of other gender identities or sexual orientations. Eliminating these words from your vocabulary can help make the global gaming community a safer, more welcoming place for everyone.
Griefing
Griefing is any behavior that purposely disrupts another player’s ability to enjoy the game. The classic example of griefing is defacing or destroying someone else’s Minecraft creations while playing on a server.
This kind of behavior will get you banned and is extremely hurtful. If you’re ever tempted to use griefing tactics against another player, remember that another human being is on the other end, not just a pixelated character. That human being just wants to relax and enjoy the game, and you’re stopping them from doing that — as we saw with flaming, it’s worth reflecting on why that might be.
Here are a couple ideas to get you started:
- More than half of people around the world (between 57% and 76% depending on location) report feeling lonely some of the time or more. We often respond to loneliness with attention seeking — and nothing draws attention like irritating and offensive behavior. They may not like us, but at least they know we’re there. Griefing may be your mind’s way of letting you know you have an unmet need.
- Speaking of unmet needs, boredom is another common reason we may turn to griefing others. There is a kind of a thrill that comes from crossing a known social boundary, and this thrill can help extinguish our boredom. While effective in the short-term, it rarely gets us to our ultimate goal of less boredom and the rewards that come from positive social interaction.
Are You a Toxic Gamer? How to Get Help
If you think that you’re a toxic gamer, don’t lose hope or sink into shame. You can enjoy the longer lasting rewards of becoming a kind, supportive, and inclusive member of the gaming community by making simple changes to the way you behave online. However, it’s much harder to change when you’re by yourself; you may need help and support from friends, family members, and professionals.
Here are some of the best ways to grow and change if you recognize toxic gamer behavior in your life.
Reflect
You’re not giving in to flaming, botting and griefing because you’re a bad person, but because you have important needs that are going unmet. Recognizing unmet needs helps to pave the way towards finding alternative ways to meet those needs, ways that will satisfy needs more effectively and over the long-term.
Get Help From Friends and Family
If you play games with IRL friends or family members, they’ll be the first people to recognize any toxic behavior. Let these people hold you accountable — they love and care about you, and they just want to see you be the best you can be. If one of your friends or family members confronts you about the way you play, hear them out and respond with humility (and an apology).
Join a Support Group
Did you know that there are specialized support groups for gamers? One of these groups can be your safe place to make friends, share your struggles, and find new, healthier ways to deal with gamer rage and toxic behavior.
Hero Journey Club groups meet weekly in the virtual worlds of games like Stardew Valley, Minecraft, and Animal Crossing. Led by a licensed therapist, these groups give you time to enjoy a more relaxing, collaborative, and creative form of gaming while connecting with new people.
Work With a Therapist
A support group can change your life for the better, but it’s ultimately a supplement to one-on-one work with your own therapist. A mental health professional can help you find healthy outlets for anger and other strong emotions, equipping you to leave toxic gamer behavior behind. In addition, your therapist will guide you as you process other issues and obstacles that stand between you and a happier, more fulfilled life.
Change the Way You Game
There’s no avoiding this point: some games are more rage-inducing than others. In addition, while many games are known for their welcoming and supportive communities, others are equally known for being breeding grounds for toxic behavior.
Ultra-violent, competitive games often have more toxic communities and bring out more anger in players. At this point, you can probably guess why - these are the games that most promise feelings of dominance and control. If you think you might be a toxic gamer, understanding what’s driving you to the game and possibly looking for a different game might be the best place to start.
Our team loves games like Stardew and Final Fantasy for many reasons, but one of the main pulls of these games is their welcoming, inclusive communities and more laid-back pace. They still deliver on the joys of progress and expanding control as you level up your in game resources. If you struggle with gamer rage and toxic behavior, you might find that you feel calmer and more at home playing one of these games.
Other fantastic co-op and multiplayer games include:
- Minecraft
- Animal Crossing
- The Sims
- Palia
- Journey
- Spiritfarer
- Guacamelee
- Portal 2
- LittleBigPlanet
The Bottom Line
Don't lose hope if you think you might be a toxic gamer. There are plenty of healthier ways to enjoy games, and you don’t have to walk the path of growth and self-improvement on your own. Start by getting in-person support from friends, family, and, if you can, a therapist. From there, consider joining a virtual support group to get a renewed perspective on gaming and participate in a healthy, supportive community.
Hero Journey Club groups meet weekly for 90-minute sessions. You can use the time to chill, enjoy a game, and connect with like-minded folks who love gaming just as much as you do. Sign up today to see gaming in a whole new light.
Sources:
Trolling | What does trolling mean? | eSafety Commissioner
What is hate speech? | United Nations
The science of why friendships keep us healthy | APA